Daily Trojan: Leaked Photos from Keck Report on September 9, 2013

Warning: includes sensitive material and images that may be perceived as offensive to some parties. 

Two days ago, a statement was released by Keck School of Medicine that basically reinforced the idea that nobody knows what is going on. Or does it?

At a private institution there is always the fear of how privileged information gets disseminated. There is a hierarchy and as students, we are (despite what the Administration says) at the bottom of the totem pole. Don't pretend like you haven't seen the nervous professors and big shots getting Uber-ed off campus to secure locations. We all feel New-North quarantine struggle. There are only so many Cups of Noodle left under our beds.

But we have the right to know, a right we cannot forget. 

Over the past 24 hours the Daily Trojan Staff has been working hard to follow through on your right, to declassify the classified. To give the power back to the people. Below are several of the findings from this effort.

Sample 1. Taken from Keck Virology Report on Project TRFV.

Sample 2. Taken from Keck Virology Report on Project TRFV.

Here are some excerpts from the report that we could decode.

"...pink squamous cells...likely harmed...cause unknown."

"Magenta smooth muscle strip...[omitted]...lethal."

"...the disparity between coloration in Sample 1 and Sample 2...direct indication of virus presence."

"Purple coloration highly unusual."

"...ratio of dark staining to light staining...possible cure."

"Sample 1 reacted [omitted] when antibiotics were applied...this chain of events is considered telling."

"...presence of a large white spot...raises concern."

"Needle in Sample 2 is pointing...potential mutation..."

"Sample 3 not included in report due to controversial nature." 

"This study has been conclusive."

As members of the student body, we find several of those words and phrases very alarming. Lethal. Unusual. Cause unknown. Possible cure. Concern. Mutation. Conclusive. And to think that there is a third sample somewhere floating around out there with information that could possibly lead to something more? 

The student body has been left to wallow in ignorance and sickness. The time is now to act. Demand more information. Demand assistance. Follow the Daily Trojan in our quest to overthrow the tyrannical and hierarchical Administration. FIGHT ON!

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Daily Trojan: Opinion Piece: It's in the Lemonade

Greetings, loyal readers.

You would think this is our Halloween posting or something. But it ain't October yet, folks, and by the looks of it, you won't have much of a choice for your costume this season. There will be more devils than usual on the row this year.

If you don't live under a rock, you are probably pretty freaked out by this whole "Trojan Fever" thing. If you haven't heard of it, hide your kids, hide your wife, because this thing is taking over the campus.

Now, my friends used to call me a bit of a conspiracy theorist. I'll admit, I've had my ups and downs with Illuminati imagery in Lady GaGa songs and Disney movies, but I swear this is 100% based in fact. And, if it is worth it to note, all my friends are running around campus with horns on their heads like lunatics.

You want to know how the disease is spread? Engemann Student Health Center sure isn't helping. You think Keck can solve this? Yeah right. This is probably all the doing of the Administration because they want to try to teach us a lesson after our most recent ranking. But maybe not. All I know for sure is that something smells...like freshly baked goods and delicious portions. 

I'm talking about Lemonade. 

I've done my fair share of research into all the different treatment plans--I'm not about to get an exorcism or anything, we don't live in a cursed Midwestern corn field. I've seen the crazies jump in the fountain, jump out, still hiccuping like they need a gallon of peanut butter. I don't believe it for a second.

How, you may ask, can I observe these things so casually? Aren't I laughing uncontrollably like a maniac? Personally, I prefer a nice chuckle.

Between you and me, this whole "Trojan Fever Ghost Spirit Apocalypse" is easily beat. You know how people used to say "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"? Well, substitute apple with a lemonade from Lemonade and doctor with the freakiest disease to ever reap destruction on the planet and you've got my life. 

Pick a flavor, any flavor, because I've been drinking one a day and I have yet to hiccup or sprout a weird horn. Bonus: they look really good on Instagram (gotta get those likes, or the world really will end). 

Tommy Trojan reporting, September 17, 2013.

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Breaking: Keck School of Medicine Release Statement: September 7, 2013

Dr. McMahon looks at viral samples under a light microscope.

After numerous requests from the Engemann Student Health Center at the University of Southern California, the Keck School of Medicine began investigating what has been popularized as the "Trojan Fever". Though critical information currently remains unknown, a representative from the Office of Research Advancement stated:

"We at Keck are taking this very seriously. Currently the project is top priority at our lab. While we have made several advancements, further statements will be released once the results of initial experiments have been verified."

Reports are expected to be publicized by September 15th, according to the Keck website. Below is a screen clipping of their recently updated Research Page with the announcement.

University Press. September 7, 2013.

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DPS Report: Fountain Hopping

09/01/2013- 09/31/2013

University of Southern California 

Department of Public Safety Monthly Incidence Report

09/18/2013

09/19/2013

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DPS Reports 9/01/2013 - Ongoing

09/01/2013

University of Southern California 

Department of Public Safety Monthly Incidence Report

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Huehuecóyoti: Dormant under the Dormitories?

According to centuries old legend, Huehuecóyoti is the ancient god of dance and mischief in these lands. They say he needs no rhythm to dance because it merely dances to the hearts beats emmanating from his bag of horrors, that his dance is so beautiful one goes blind, deaf, and paralyzed just by seeing it, and that morning dew is merely the sweat of all of Huehuecóyoti dancing.

From the ancient Aztec codec, Huehuecóyoti is a beast composed of dancing coyotes with human hand and feet, followed by a trail of human drivers to quench his insatiable thirst for rhythm. Nestled in the orange groves of Southern California, his home was a vast dance floor with the moon as a discoball and stars as lasers to keep the night bumping. The locals knew to merely provide sacrifices to Huehuecóyoti in the afternoon, as his dancing continued throughout the night and early morning. In fear of angering the god, the locals presented offerings of potted water and fruit, easily digested and eaten on the dance floor.

His dance continued till the arrival of the Spanish. With no offerings, the god soon lay dormant, exhausted by his own vice.

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