Daily Trojan: Opinion Piece: It's in the Lemonade

Greetings, loyal readers.

You would think this is our Halloween posting or something. But it ain't October yet, folks, and by the looks of it, you won't have much of a choice for your costume this season. There will be more devils than usual on the row this year.

If you don't live under a rock, you are probably pretty freaked out by this whole "Trojan Fever" thing. If you haven't heard of it, hide your kids, hide your wife, because this thing is taking over the campus.

Now, my friends used to call me a bit of a conspiracy theorist. I'll admit, I've had my ups and downs with Illuminati imagery in Lady GaGa songs and Disney movies, but I swear this is 100% based in fact. And, if it is worth it to note, all my friends are running around campus with horns on their heads like lunatics.

You want to know how the disease is spread? Engemann Student Health Center sure isn't helping. You think Keck can solve this? Yeah right. This is probably all the doing of the Administration because they want to try to teach us a lesson after our most recent ranking. But maybe not. All I know for sure is that something smells...like freshly baked goods and delicious portions. 

I'm talking about Lemonade. 

I've done my fair share of research into all the different treatment plans--I'm not about to get an exorcism or anything, we don't live in a cursed Midwestern corn field. I've seen the crazies jump in the fountain, jump out, still hiccuping like they need a gallon of peanut butter. I don't believe it for a second.

How, you may ask, can I observe these things so casually? Aren't I laughing uncontrollably like a maniac? Personally, I prefer a nice chuckle.

Between you and me, this whole "Trojan Fever Ghost Spirit Apocalypse" is easily beat. You know how people used to say "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"? Well, substitute apple with a lemonade from Lemonade and doctor with the freakiest disease to ever reap destruction on the planet and you've got my life. 

Pick a flavor, any flavor, because I've been drinking one a day and I have yet to hiccup or sprout a weird horn. Bonus: they look really good on Instagram (gotta get those likes, or the world really will end). 

Tommy Trojan reporting, September 17, 2013.